Yoga is my Boyfriend

So, on this day which celebrates being in a relationship, I thought I’d take a moment to think about the positive effects that being single has had on my life.  Up until a year and a half ago, I had spent most of my adult life in a relationship.  When I wasn't in a relationship as such, I always had something going on, some ambiguous situation or other.  I thought this was what having an exciting life was all about and was horrified by the idea of having even an extended period of a few months where “love” didn't feature.  Therefore, this past year and a half has been quite a journey.

 The most glaringly obvious part of this journey has been my dedication to my yoga practice.  When I was in serious relationships, my partners always acted as obstacles.  I had to negotiate to spend time with my teacher in India all those years ago.  If I hadn't been in a relationship I would have stayed for a few months but we compromised and I stayed on my own for just over a month.  When going back to India became a possibility again, I knew that my then boyfriend would never accept it and it would be the end of us.  In both relationships, I was considered to be selfish and irresponsible, unwilling to make the compromises necessary when one is a committed to another person.   

When I am in love, I give everything. I am devoted to my beloved and live the story with great passion.  One day I thought: “What if I put all that passion and devotion into my practice?”  Once I was single, I had no excuse anymore, no person stopping me doing what I love.  But of course I missed all the positive aspects of having someone there for me or the fun and excitement of meeting someone new. With time however, something happened. I started to notice the negative aspects of having an object of affection.  I started to notice all the pain and suffering around me.  I had once lived that emotional roller coaster  I felt so relieved that I wasn't the one anxious about where a situation was going, distraught because my boyfriend was spending a lot of time with another girl and all the other infinite negative emotions you can imagine.  I remembered going to yoga with puffy eyes and exhausted because of an argument that had upset me so much I couldn't sleep.  I remembered staying at a friend’s house in order to get a good night’s sleep for an early morning workshop. 

Another interesting realisation was that I often have feelings of sadness, frustration or anger that I would pin on whoever I was seeing at the time.  The practice brings up so many emotions. It’s interesting to experience these emotions and let them go without having to find a culprit.  It’s also a blessing to be alone whilst processing all these emotions as it can be confusing for a partner who isn't a yoga practitioner.  How do you explain that you’re angry because you’re doing some pretty intense back bends at the moment?

Now, my practice is my priority and someone who brings me so much emotional turmoil or who doesn't respect the importance of what makes me feel alive, has no place in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, love and healthy relationships are wonderful and nourishing. However, so many of us get caught up in unhealthy situations which rob us of our energy. We compromise what we want to make another person happy or to follow social norms.  We become addicted to the highs and suffer the lows. 

I am a very romantic person and totally in love with love but right now I am grateful for all that not being in love has taught me.  And I can’t exactly say that I’m not in love. Every day I live and die on the mat.  I go through all life’s emotions.  I feel ecstasy as well as the deepest of sadness.  At the end of it all I bow my head in gratitude.  Thank you for all that you have given me and all that you have taken away.  Where I am right now is where I need to be.  Yoga, you are the best boyfriend!  The more I give, the more I receive.  When love reappears (in the form of a person!), I hope it will allow me the space to grow and continue realising my potential without being jealous of my other great love.  I am devoted to yoga but there is still plenty of me to go around.