The Road Less Travelled

A few years ago, I was headed for, what seems to be the dream of most of humanity.  I had the man, the job, the impending mortgage and the children were a given.  So, what changed all of this and why did I actually choose the road less travelled?  Well, perhaps it all began when I discovered the “magic carpet”.  I didn’t know it was magic then but it would go on to take me to exotic, intoxicating places, both inside of me and out.  It took me on the mystical journey mapped on my body, the history of all my life’s events and the history of all life.  It showed me a glimpse of the infinite possibilities and the overflowing potential within me.  “What is this magic carpet? I hear you say “and where can I get one?”  Well, I got one in Spain but you can get them anywhere.  It is of course my trusty yoga mat, a seemingly less than spectacular object but capable of taking you to unchartered territory if you let it…

After four years of going to regular ashtanga classes, my heart, my gut, my being craved for India and especially Mysore.  I wanted to stay there for months and immerse myself in this spiritual process.  That had been the plan but my then partner got cold feet and said he couldn’t go for that long.  The unpaid leave that he was entitled to take became impractical.  There were more pressing issues and going to India was low on his list of priorities.  I was devastated.  My yoga teacher said “You can go next year.” and I burst into tears.  “If I don’t go now, I never will” I said.  So, I fought to go for 2 and half months with my partner staying for the first month and then going back home.  This was the hardest negotiation of my life and looking back on it, it was the nail in the coffin of that old existence. 

We had wonderful travels and amazing adventures but the real journey started when I went to Mysore and he went home.  At first it was hard, I felt so lonely.  We had never been apart for more than a few days.  Practicing in the shala was intimidating.  The system was confusing and it seemed you had to figure everything out yourself.  Not even the restaurants were easy to find.  But in no time, I met people and made friends.  And so it began-Nataraja danced his dance of destruction all over my life. 

I took a course in transcendental meditation – a very simple yet powerful technique.  Did this course have anything to do with my epiphany?  Who knows but one thing for sure, it’s where I saw my future life flash before my eyes.  It was a life full of travel, change, different relationships…not a mortgage in sight.  I sat alone with the teacher, repeating my mantra with my eyes closed. Then, I opened my eyes as he opened his and within that gaze, I saw something vast. I came out of the room and just cried and cried. You see, I wanted the fairytale that we’ve all been told.  I wanted to be content with a husband, children and a mortgage but all of a sudden it was clear that that was not what was planned for me.  Life had another plan. 

So, did I like this plan? Not really.  It meant undoing my entire life and starting again.  Years later I still struggle with it.  The social pressures to fit into the norm are very strong. We all desire connection and if you think differently from the people around you, connection is difficult.  Therefore, I would say I didn’t choose this road but rather it chose me.  People say to me “Oh, you love travelling” but I can’t say that’s entirely true.  I feel like I have no choice.  I would say the same for yoga.  I can’t possibly live without it now. 

When I came back from my most recent trip to Mysore, I found it really hard to connect with people.  I needed time to adapt.  It was Christmas and my family were busy with all the typical preparations.  It had no meaning for me and I couldn’t feign otherwise.  At one point my mother got annoyed at me for not participating.  My defence was “I’ve been back from India two days. Give me a break.”  To which she replied “Oh we all know you’ve been in India.”  Now, the message implied in this is that I’ve been swanning around, living the high life while the rest of the world has been working hard and doing what decent people do.  This is a common misconception of what “I do”.

Most people think yoga is a whole lot of stretching and relaxing so if this is the case my life comes down to a whole lot of arsing around and letting the decent folk do the real work.  Actually there is a great deal of work involved in my arsing around.  Constant self analysis is not actually fun (this is one of the things I do apart from stretching).  These past few days, I’ve had a bit of a regression.  I haven’t wanted to deal with myself or live through uncomfortable emotions so I’ve distracted myself, kept myself busy, all for the sake of avoiding pain.  For me, that’s the easy road and most certainly not the road less travelled. 

So what does any of this have to do with yoga?  Surely people have relationship crises all the time?  Surely there are non-yogic people who travel around and whose main goals in life are not a husband, a house and kids?  Maybe it has nothing necessarily to do with yoga but it’s what brought me here.  Yoga gave me the consciousness to step back and question what’s behind the social brainwashing.  It taught me to act with awareness.  It’s not an easy road but a life lived any other way would be impossible for me now.  Nataraja is always on hand to destroy anything that shouldn't

 be in my life.