Lately I've been confronted with the imperfection of myself, the feeling that everything I've learned is not serving me when faced with old demons. 10 years of working on myself, of becoming more aware, of learning techniques to quieten the mind and all of a sudden no techniques work. When discussing this with a friend I said I felt disappointed in myself and she said "Why, because you're not perfect?" and maybe that's it. I think after all these years, I've used these methods to trick myself into thinking I was "fixed" when actually after a stint of opening up and real self exploration, I fell back into my old habit of bottling things up. I tricked myself into thinking that of course I was continuously working on myself-wasn't I doing my yoga practice?
But actually everything is yoga. There where the difficulty is, where the pain is, where the fear is, that is yoga. The physical practice of asana is just one aspect. Even a practice as demanding as ashtanga becomes a comfort zone. It has a structure which comforts us. It's familiar, it's habitual. Life however does not always fall into a structure. It can be chaotic and uncertain. I have realised that for me to live with chaos and uncertainty throws me into a state of imbalance and anxiety. Even when amazing things are happening, when I'm having experiences beyond what I had ever hoped for, my desire for certainty and stability shakes me to the core, wonders if it is better to live a reasonably happy existence than one filled with joy and profound connection but no guarantees. Will I be worse off in the end? Control, control, control.
And all the time I hear the yogic wisdom of the words I employ when teaching a class. The fine balance of holding on and letting go: such a beautiful idea but so difficult to know how much to hold on and how much to let go. Will I end up broken, smashed to pieces, is that in fact the ultimate goal? If so I don't know if I will ever come back from that.
All this to say, we can fool ourselves with the practice, think we are working on ourselves when maybe our biggest yoga lies outside. There where we do not wish to go is our yoga. Whatever it is in life that sends you into a spin, that is where you need to go in order for transformation to happen. I was amazed to discover that I had been avoiding myself and the situations which would lead to personal growth because sometimes we have to be broken down first and who likes to be broken down?
I was playing tricks on myself, giving just enough but not too much. I was playing it safe. Recently a yoga teacher said to me that it was like my body had decided it was flexible enough and held to that. Too much holding on, not enough letting go. That fine balance has not quite been achieved. And so the dance continues, there where the difficulty, the pain and the fear are. Will I be brave enough to dance with them or will I find new ways of tricking myself? There's always something more.
But actually everything is yoga. There where the difficulty is, where the pain is, where the fear is, that is yoga. The physical practice of asana is just one aspect. Even a practice as demanding as ashtanga becomes a comfort zone. It has a structure which comforts us. It's familiar, it's habitual. Life however does not always fall into a structure. It can be chaotic and uncertain. I have realised that for me to live with chaos and uncertainty throws me into a state of imbalance and anxiety. Even when amazing things are happening, when I'm having experiences beyond what I had ever hoped for, my desire for certainty and stability shakes me to the core, wonders if it is better to live a reasonably happy existence than one filled with joy and profound connection but no guarantees. Will I be worse off in the end? Control, control, control.
And all the time I hear the yogic wisdom of the words I employ when teaching a class. The fine balance of holding on and letting go: such a beautiful idea but so difficult to know how much to hold on and how much to let go. Will I end up broken, smashed to pieces, is that in fact the ultimate goal? If so I don't know if I will ever come back from that.
All this to say, we can fool ourselves with the practice, think we are working on ourselves when maybe our biggest yoga lies outside. There where we do not wish to go is our yoga. Whatever it is in life that sends you into a spin, that is where you need to go in order for transformation to happen. I was amazed to discover that I had been avoiding myself and the situations which would lead to personal growth because sometimes we have to be broken down first and who likes to be broken down?
I was playing tricks on myself, giving just enough but not too much. I was playing it safe. Recently a yoga teacher said to me that it was like my body had decided it was flexible enough and held to that. Too much holding on, not enough letting go. That fine balance has not quite been achieved. And so the dance continues, there where the difficulty, the pain and the fear are. Will I be brave enough to dance with them or will I find new ways of tricking myself? There's always something more.
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