YOGA AND FOOD

As someone who practices yoga for over 10 years and a non meat eater for maybe 9 years, I get asked a lot about food and what it has to do with yoga.  Talking about food is a bit like talking about politics or religion. People get very emotional. People often seem to feel judged by a non meat eater.  As someone who has occasionally eaten fish over the years, I have often gotten the line "But you eat fish. Do they not count as living beings?" and "But you drink alcohol so how can you say you don't eat meat for health reasons?" In answer to these questions: yes, fish count but I'm doing the best I can and yes, I drink alcohol and it's not healthy but yet again, I'm doing the best I can.  Other arguments are that vegetarianism, veganism and buying organic food is very middle class and my answer to this would be that, where we live, this is true but so what? What's wrong with being middle class? What's wrong with buying healthier (also more expensive) food if I can afford it. Also, I'm not the problem here. Surely the problem lies in a society where heavily processed crap is way more affordable than fruit and vegetables.
 All of these hostile questions seem to be aiming to achieve one thing: to somehow prove that I am a hypocrite and therefore allow the asker to feel comfortable with his/her own food choices. I  don't honestly get the logic behind this. I don't see things as all or nothing. If we were all to adopt this mentality, we would never change anything.  I am not judging anybody.  I think we are all doing the best we can. This is also why I hate labels like vegetarian or vegan because I think they create separation. There are so many reasons to not eat meat but I can only speak for myself.
Why I stopped eating meat?
I wanted to learn more about food and incorporate more vegetables into my diet. I was a meat and potatoes kind of girl and felt the need to learn how to cook vegetables so that they tasted nice, not just as an obligation on the plate. I then decided to go off meat and see how long I could last. So far it's been 9 years I think.

Why do you continue to not eat meat and what does it have to do with yoga?
This is a big question but I will try to simplify it! For me, at the most basic level, it comes down to AHIMSA (non-violence)  which is a vital part of the philosophy of yoga. Firstly, non-violence towards oneself means trying to put healthy food into your body. We aim to treat our body as a temple. Therefore, unprocessed, chemical free and nutrient rich as possible is the ideal. So what's the problem with eating meat I hear you ask? Well, most of the meat out there is pretty bad quality. Most animals are pumped with anti-biotics and kept in awful conditions. This doesn't make for good, healthy meat so even if you think its natural to eat animals, the meat out there probably isn't good for your health, not to mention the artery clogging fat in meat. There are other reasons but that will make for a very long blog post!

Secondly, non-violence towards others. So, this would cover the loving the animals part.  If you can avoid causing suffering to animals to sustain yourself, why not?  The main argument I hear from people is that animals were meant to be killed and eaten. Why? Why is this accepted as a universal truth? What about man's ability to adapt and evolve? We no longer live in a world where we need to eat animals to survive. We can get all the nourishment we need from plant based food.

The SATTVIC Diet which  means a diet most appropriate for meditation.  This concept is one which I will explain in greater detail in a follow up post. Basically we are trying to prepare ourselves for meditation.  Meat is considered as not being sattvic.  Red meat can take up to 2 days to be broken down and eliminated from the body.  It is considered that the mind is most prepared for meditation when the body is relatively empty. That is why fasting is also a common practice in yoga.

Does this mean that everyone who practices yoga should be vegetarian or vegan?
No, most definitely not. We are all on our own personal journey. Food is a very personal thing and we can all do whatever we want without judgement. Yoga practitioners are aiming towards health so they are trying to make more conscious choices.  I have come across a lot of different nutritional theories over the years and a lot of people who have sworn that their food choice is the way to go only to realise after a number of years that it wasn't quite right for them.  I don't believe in the idea of one size fits all.  How one body reacts to incorporating or eliminating certain foods will be different from how another body reacts.
So, generally if you meet a yoga student/teacher who doesn't eat meat/fish/eggs/dairy, they are doing it for what they believe to be valid health reasons first and for love of animals second.  If you meet a yoga student/teacher who does eat all these things, they are also likely to be doing it for their own health reasons.
Try not to judge. Eliminating certain things from your diet is not easy. It takes a lot of self sacrifice and can be quite isolating so maybe try not to make it any harder. Let's not fall out over food! Let's let go of the need to be right and just live and let live.

PAIN AND FRUSTRATION - IT'S ALL ENERGY

 
For a long time I have struggled with these feelings of pain and limitation. "Why me? It's possible for other people but not for me."  Ashtanga primary series initially came easy to me and I saw myself progress through poses while others struggled.  I thought it would be all upwards and onwards.  I had a shallow understanding of yoga and I wasn't feeling my body at all-just twisting and contorting to achieve various acrobatic feats.  Who knows what I was doing, what I was trying to achieve or who I was trying to impress.  This continued until the pain poked so hard and so incessantly that I couldn't ignore it anymore. 
I have had many ups and downs in my practice. I have had times of dedication (when I have a teacher) and more difficult times (without a teacher to guide me).  The psychological and spiritual benefits of the practice have always been evident to me but physical pain has stopped me in my tracks many times.  "Why does this hurt? What am I doing wrong?"
Lots of voices have come up in this time of doubting and questioning: perhaps I am not made for this practice, maybe my body is limited and I should accept that. Now I'm not saying that we should push on and ignore the apparent physical limitations of the moment but I think my attitude has revealed in me a pervading thought pattern.
Defeat; self pity; frustration - all of these sentiments come together to block vital energy.  So, it's not the real  situation of pain and limitation that is the problem but rather the attitude towards it.  The limitation of the moment is one thing, the defeatist voice that says "You are limited." is quite another.  
Since I have begun teaching, I've felt a greater responsibility to respect and understand my own body. In the past couple of years I've dedicated my practice to listening to the pain messengers.  It has been a humbling experience and one of great growth in terms of body awareness.  I do however recognise that I have much ground to cover on the psychological plain.  
Self pity takes over, frustration takes over and I don't allow the practice to flow without the voices coming in and passing their judgement.  
I've come to the conclusion in all this that it's all energy. Frustration blocks that energy.  Let go and let what is flow through you.   Don't let yourself be limited by notions of not being (insert word here) enough. The practice is always changing, everything is always moving. Don't get caught up in notions of stagnation. We are in a constant state of flux.

Playing Tricks

Lately I've been confronted with the imperfection of myself, the feeling that everything I've learned is not serving me when faced with old demons.  10 years of working on myself, of becoming more aware, of learning techniques to quieten the mind and all of a sudden no techniques work.  When discussing this with a friend I said I felt disappointed in myself and she said "Why, because you're not perfect?" and maybe that's it.  I think after all these years, I've used these methods to trick myself into thinking I was "fixed" when actually after a stint of opening up and real self exploration, I fell back into my old habit of bottling things up.  I tricked myself into thinking that of course I was continuously working on myself-wasn't I doing my yoga practice?
But actually everything is yoga. There where the difficulty is, where the pain is, where the fear is, that is yoga. The physical practice of asana is just one aspect.  Even a practice as demanding as ashtanga becomes a comfort zone.  It has a structure which comforts us. It's familiar, it's habitual.  Life however does not always fall into a structure.  It can be chaotic and uncertain.  I have realised that for me to live with chaos and uncertainty throws me into a state of imbalance and anxiety.  Even when amazing things are happening, when I'm having experiences beyond what I had ever hoped for, my desire for certainty and stability shakes me to the core, wonders if it is better to live a reasonably happy existence than one filled with joy and profound connection but no guarantees. Will I be worse off in the end? Control, control, control.
And all the time I hear the yogic wisdom of the words I employ when teaching a class.  The fine balance of holding on and letting go: such a beautiful idea but so difficult to know how much to hold on and how much to let go.  Will I end up broken, smashed to pieces, is that in fact the ultimate goal?  If so I don't know if I will ever come back from that.
All this to say, we can fool ourselves with the practice, think we are working on ourselves when maybe our biggest yoga lies outside.  There where we do not wish to go is our yoga.  Whatever it is in life that sends you into a spin, that is where you need to go in order for transformation to happen.  I was amazed to discover that I had been avoiding myself and the situations which would lead to personal growth because sometimes we have to be broken down first and who likes to be broken down?
I was playing tricks on myself, giving just enough but not too much. I was playing it safe.  Recently a yoga teacher said to me that it was like my body had decided it was flexible enough and held to that. Too much holding on, not enough letting go. That fine balance has not quite been achieved.  And so the dance continues, there where the difficulty, the pain and the fear are.  Will I be brave enough to dance with them or will I find new ways of tricking myself? There's always something more.  

 GURU WORSHIP

Today is the anniversary of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois’ death and so it seemed appropriate to complete this blog entry on this date.  I remember the moment I heard about his death in the same way I remember other significant moments in my life.  I walked into the shala I practiced at and I could tell something had happened. His picture was decorated with flowers and candles. I put down my mat and my teacher approached me and told me “Guruji has left us”.  She was so stricken with grief that it was hard not to break down in empathy with her pain.  I remembered in the week that followed, finding extra strength when I practiced in front of his picture.  My teacher even said to me after practice one day “You’re full power at the moment. It must be because Guruji is watching you.”  This is the power of the guru. 

Given all the scandals about yoga teachers of late and the subsequent warnings about “guru worship”, I felt the desire to write about my positive experience of following a teacher.  Due to the negative connotations of the word guru in the west, I will replace it with the word teacher from here on in. 

I have met many fellow teachers who don’t have a specific teacher themselves.  Some just have not met anyone that they feel that deep a connection with. Some believe that they don’t need a teacher.  Others speak out against this idea of following a teacher at all, believing it to be a dangerous practice.

Any fellow yoga practitioners who know me well enough, know how much I cherish my relationship with my teacher.  Words cannot express the love that I feel for this person and I truly feel blessed to have experienced this bond.  For years, I lived in quite a remote place, sheltered from the yoga brands and the latest yoga crazes.  There were no workshops with the popular teacher of the moment or fancy pants or overpriced mats.  There was just a room of sweaty people, wearing whatever was comfortable and going deep into their own personal journey.  Little did I know that there was a big bad world of so called yoga.

On my first trip to Mysore, I remember Sharath’s words about the teacher student relationship.  He said you find a teacher and you stay with them for many years.   He also spoke of how the natural law of things has been reversed. Before a student would go and ask to be accepted by a teacher.  Now, the teacher does everything they can to attract the student.  If the student is displeased, they just change to another teacher, who pleases them more.

This tendency to undervalue a teacher’s role has become so common in western society.  As is so typical of the modern malaise, we flit from one teacher to another, looking to get the best of what that person has to offer before moving on.  We don’t like to commit to anything or anyone. 

On my last visit to Mysore, Sharath spoke of giving thanks to your teacher/s.  Yet again, his words spoke to me.  He talked about being grateful to your school maths teacher, even if they taught you as a small child, if they helped you.  This element of gratitude is integral to my practice.  Every day, after savasana (final relaxation), I give thanks to those who have guided me on this path. 

In ashtanga yoga, we talk a lot about lineage.  So why is lineage so important?  Well, both Pattabhi Jois and Sharath have said to their students “Teach the way I taught you.”  There is a passing down of knowledge but in that process there is also something more.  With the transmission of information the teacher is transmitting a part of themselves which helps the student to comprehend a deeper knowledge.  When a student does not honour the divine in their teacher, they are failing to recognise the divine in themselves and they are missing the point of yoga. 

So what is so great about following a teacher?   From early on in my practice, I felt like my teacher could see straight through me, that she saw me without judgement.  If there is anyone who can make me cry just by looking at me, it is her.  Her integrity has meant that I also try to act with integrity. Being in her presence, gives me an automatic sense of calm.  She never tells me how things are but rather gives me the space to realise my own truth.  She provokes in me the utmost respect and devotion.  There is so much to be gained from the act of surrender – to trust and have faith. 

As Sharath and Guruji said “ A guru never calls himself a guru” .  It should be fairly obvious if the teacher you are following is a megalomaniac.  If they are constantly exerting their power over you, they are most certainly not on the path.  Practice caution and don’t pick just any teacher.  The most amazing teachers I have met have been the ones you wouldn’t even notice and then in a moment, you look into their eyes and you see the world resting there.

I dedicate this post to Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, whose mere image gives me strength in my practice. To Sharath, whose compassion and understanding kept me believing when the world around me seemed like a gymnastics competition and to my teacher for being the kind of person you would gladly surrender to.

The Road Less Travelled

A few years ago, I was headed for, what seems to be the dream of most of humanity.  I had the man, the job, the impending mortgage and the children were a given.  So, what changed all of this and why did I actually choose the road less travelled?  Well, perhaps it all began when I discovered the “magic carpet”.  I didn’t know it was magic then but it would go on to take me to exotic, intoxicating places, both inside of me and out.  It took me on the mystical journey mapped on my body, the history of all my life’s events and the history of all life.  It showed me a glimpse of the infinite possibilities and the overflowing potential within me.  “What is this magic carpet? I hear you say “and where can I get one?”  Well, I got one in Spain but you can get them anywhere.  It is of course my trusty yoga mat, a seemingly less than spectacular object but capable of taking you to unchartered territory if you let it…

After four years of going to regular ashtanga classes, my heart, my gut, my being craved for India and especially Mysore.  I wanted to stay there for months and immerse myself in this spiritual process.  That had been the plan but my then partner got cold feet and said he couldn’t go for that long.  The unpaid leave that he was entitled to take became impractical.  There were more pressing issues and going to India was low on his list of priorities.  I was devastated.  My yoga teacher said “You can go next year.” and I burst into tears.  “If I don’t go now, I never will” I said.  So, I fought to go for 2 and half months with my partner staying for the first month and then going back home.  This was the hardest negotiation of my life and looking back on it, it was the nail in the coffin of that old existence. 

We had wonderful travels and amazing adventures but the real journey started when I went to Mysore and he went home.  At first it was hard, I felt so lonely.  We had never been apart for more than a few days.  Practicing in the shala was intimidating.  The system was confusing and it seemed you had to figure everything out yourself.  Not even the restaurants were easy to find.  But in no time, I met people and made friends.  And so it began-Nataraja danced his dance of destruction all over my life. 

I took a course in transcendental meditation – a very simple yet powerful technique.  Did this course have anything to do with my epiphany?  Who knows but one thing for sure, it’s where I saw my future life flash before my eyes.  It was a life full of travel, change, different relationships…not a mortgage in sight.  I sat alone with the teacher, repeating my mantra with my eyes closed. Then, I opened my eyes as he opened his and within that gaze, I saw something vast. I came out of the room and just cried and cried. You see, I wanted the fairytale that we’ve all been told.  I wanted to be content with a husband, children and a mortgage but all of a sudden it was clear that that was not what was planned for me.  Life had another plan. 

So, did I like this plan? Not really.  It meant undoing my entire life and starting again.  Years later I still struggle with it.  The social pressures to fit into the norm are very strong. We all desire connection and if you think differently from the people around you, connection is difficult.  Therefore, I would say I didn’t choose this road but rather it chose me.  People say to me “Oh, you love travelling” but I can’t say that’s entirely true.  I feel like I have no choice.  I would say the same for yoga.  I can’t possibly live without it now. 

When I came back from my most recent trip to Mysore, I found it really hard to connect with people.  I needed time to adapt.  It was Christmas and my family were busy with all the typical preparations.  It had no meaning for me and I couldn’t feign otherwise.  At one point my mother got annoyed at me for not participating.  My defence was “I’ve been back from India two days. Give me a break.”  To which she replied “Oh we all know you’ve been in India.”  Now, the message implied in this is that I’ve been swanning around, living the high life while the rest of the world has been working hard and doing what decent people do.  This is a common misconception of what “I do”.

Most people think yoga is a whole lot of stretching and relaxing so if this is the case my life comes down to a whole lot of arsing around and letting the decent folk do the real work.  Actually there is a great deal of work involved in my arsing around.  Constant self analysis is not actually fun (this is one of the things I do apart from stretching).  These past few days, I’ve had a bit of a regression.  I haven’t wanted to deal with myself or live through uncomfortable emotions so I’ve distracted myself, kept myself busy, all for the sake of avoiding pain.  For me, that’s the easy road and most certainly not the road less travelled. 

So what does any of this have to do with yoga?  Surely people have relationship crises all the time?  Surely there are non-yogic people who travel around and whose main goals in life are not a husband, a house and kids?  Maybe it has nothing necessarily to do with yoga but it’s what brought me here.  Yoga gave me the consciousness to step back and question what’s behind the social brainwashing.  It taught me to act with awareness.  It’s not an easy road but a life lived any other way would be impossible for me now.  Nataraja is always on hand to destroy anything that shouldn't

 be in my life.

Beyond the Physical - The use of meditation and yoga as therapy

   

This morning I woke up feeling down. That feeling of waking up and thinking “Oh no, I don’t want to wake up.” This is after 9 hours sleep and a day of doing whatever I want ahead of me.  I most certainly did not feel like doing my yoga practice.  Thankfully however, I did and what felt like the beginning of a bad day became just a couple of hours of negative thoughts and emotions.  One of the greatest things I have received from the practice is the ability to let go.  As they say “All things pass”, both the good and the bad.  Years ago, I wouldn’t have had the ability to free myself from a negative cycle of thought. If I woke up feeling bad, that was it – I was having a bad day.  I remember many mornings of feeling very down and not wanting to get on my mat and certainly not with a bunch of people and my teacher pushing me to the limit. It was like my insides were on display and who wants to show their insides to the world?  Well, after all these years I can say “Me! Here are my insides!” 

If more people were brave enough to show their insides, the world would be a better place!  I know it seems easier to ignore your pain and to suppress it in whatever way works for you but believe me that’s not the answer.  I never knew how to be any other way than I was and when I started suffering from panic attacks, I honestly had no idea what was causing them.  My life vacillated between anxiety and depression.  I rarely felt really happy.  In coping with panic attacks, I learnt how to separate myself from my thoughts and therefore control my thinking rather than it controlling me. 

The real work started however when I discovered meditation.  I was lucky enough to have my meditation teacher all to myself.  These meditations were a revelation for me and changed my life.  After two sessions, I started to be bombarded by all these unpleasant childhood memories.  I honestly had to make a decision to face myself or to stop going to meditation and go on with a façade of being “grand”.  I decided to face myself and that meant opening up to another person.  So during the third session I cried for the entire hour and this went on until the crying became a little less.  That was the effect this amazing woman had on me. 

When I started to practice ashtanga yoga, I felt very conflicted.  It was hard.  The physical exertion felt much like torture.  I often asked myself in the middle of a class why I was doing this to myself!  But, for some reason I couldn’t give it up.  When you are taken out of your comfort zone all sorts of discoveries are made.  And again, I was guided by another incredible woman who has always made me feel that she can see right through me and she accepts me.    

If you have ever experienced sadness beyond words then maybe you can understand therapy that doesn’t involve words.  Meditation and yoga have complimented conventional therapy for me and yoga has become my daily therapeutic practice.  By showing my vulnerability, I have become stronger than I could have ever imagined.  Yoga has given me a cathartic practice.  I work through emotions on the mat that I don’t need to pinpoint.  “I feel sad because of this, I feel angry because of that…”  These emotions come up, I work them out of my body and I move on.  That is something I remember my teacher saying to me after going deep in a pose and wanting to vomit and cry at the same time.  She said “That’s great, let it out, now move on.” 

After beginning a meditation practice all those years ago, I started to become aware of all the pain and suffering around me.  So many people were unhappy and hiding who they really were and I had never noticed because I was so busy feeling sorry for myself.  Anyone who has been depressed will agree that you think everyone is so much better off than you.  Lately, since I’ve been back in Ireland, I’ve become acutely aware of the number of people who are not dealing with their shit.  I don’t mean to offend anyone but I’ve been in a lot of countries and this is the land of suppressed emotions.  There are people with so much crap they haven’t dealt with that they not only hurt themselves, they hurt other people too.  Deal with your shit!  Not dealing with it makes for a sick society so please don’t hide behind the stock phrase “Yeah, I’m grand”.

Hopefully, when my students come to that first hurdle where emotions come out of what seems to be nowhere, they’ll feel that they are in a space where they’re accepted and they choose to face themselves rather than go on hiding.  You’d be amazed by how bendy you can get when you just let go and how strong you become when you admit your weakness. 

Yoga is my Boyfriend

So, on this day which celebrates being in a relationship, I thought I’d take a moment to think about the positive effects that being single has had on my life.  Up until a year and a half ago, I had spent most of my adult life in a relationship.  When I wasn't in a relationship as such, I always had something going on, some ambiguous situation or other.  I thought this was what having an exciting life was all about and was horrified by the idea of having even an extended period of a few months where “love” didn't feature.  Therefore, this past year and a half has been quite a journey.

 The most glaringly obvious part of this journey has been my dedication to my yoga practice.  When I was in serious relationships, my partners always acted as obstacles.  I had to negotiate to spend time with my teacher in India all those years ago.  If I hadn't been in a relationship I would have stayed for a few months but we compromised and I stayed on my own for just over a month.  When going back to India became a possibility again, I knew that my then boyfriend would never accept it and it would be the end of us.  In both relationships, I was considered to be selfish and irresponsible, unwilling to make the compromises necessary when one is a committed to another person.   

When I am in love, I give everything. I am devoted to my beloved and live the story with great passion.  One day I thought: “What if I put all that passion and devotion into my practice?”  Once I was single, I had no excuse anymore, no person stopping me doing what I love.  But of course I missed all the positive aspects of having someone there for me or the fun and excitement of meeting someone new. With time however, something happened. I started to notice the negative aspects of having an object of affection.  I started to notice all the pain and suffering around me.  I had once lived that emotional roller coaster  I felt so relieved that I wasn't the one anxious about where a situation was going, distraught because my boyfriend was spending a lot of time with another girl and all the other infinite negative emotions you can imagine.  I remembered going to yoga with puffy eyes and exhausted because of an argument that had upset me so much I couldn't sleep.  I remembered staying at a friend’s house in order to get a good night’s sleep for an early morning workshop. 

Another interesting realisation was that I often have feelings of sadness, frustration or anger that I would pin on whoever I was seeing at the time.  The practice brings up so many emotions. It’s interesting to experience these emotions and let them go without having to find a culprit.  It’s also a blessing to be alone whilst processing all these emotions as it can be confusing for a partner who isn't a yoga practitioner.  How do you explain that you’re angry because you’re doing some pretty intense back bends at the moment?

Now, my practice is my priority and someone who brings me so much emotional turmoil or who doesn't respect the importance of what makes me feel alive, has no place in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, love and healthy relationships are wonderful and nourishing. However, so many of us get caught up in unhealthy situations which rob us of our energy. We compromise what we want to make another person happy or to follow social norms.  We become addicted to the highs and suffer the lows. 

I am a very romantic person and totally in love with love but right now I am grateful for all that not being in love has taught me.  And I can’t exactly say that I’m not in love. Every day I live and die on the mat.  I go through all life’s emotions.  I feel ecstasy as well as the deepest of sadness.  At the end of it all I bow my head in gratitude.  Thank you for all that you have given me and all that you have taken away.  Where I am right now is where I need to be.  Yoga, you are the best boyfriend!  The more I give, the more I receive.  When love reappears (in the form of a person!), I hope it will allow me the space to grow and continue realising my potential without being jealous of my other great love.  I am devoted to yoga but there is still plenty of me to go around.